My Story
As I’m sure many of you have noticed there’s a lot I don’t talk about, things I’m either very vague with or just avoid completely and honestly that needs to stop. I’m tired of hiding from both my past and who I am because really that just makes life a lot harder. I realize that being open about things is hard and does come with a lot of risks but I feel like I’m at a point in my life where I have to look to the future and decide how I want to live. The way I see it I have two options keep things as they are now keeping things all bottled up inside me but that gets very lonely and will make some parts of my life harder in the long run when people do eventually learn things about me because we all know secrets always come out. My other option is to be open and honest about things now and well it certainly will make some people not like me both now and in the future but it will also give me the chance to form true honest bonds with people who know and understand me. Although I always thought that when I reached this point in my life i’d want to take the first option, over the last 11 months I’ve learned that its not the best thing to do. Its lonely,sad and makes you feel like you cant really connect with people or trust them at all. So here it is the truth about me.
I’m Transgender. What that means is I was born physically the wrong gender, My outward self did not match the girl I’ve always been on the inside. This does not change who I am as a person, In the end I’m still the same person who a lot of you have gotten to know. So what does it mean? To me its meant a lot of self hate, loneliness, depression, lost family and a struggle just to live as the person that i am. This is not a life i would chose for myself but sadly that I cant control. What i can control is how I handle it going forward and the first step to that is to be open about it and share my story. Through that I can build bonds with people knowing that they understand what I’ve been through and the long road i still have ahead of me.
I’ve thought a lot about rather I should talk openly about this or not and honestly its been something I’ve struggled with but I’ve come to the point where it no longer feels like a decision as much as it is just something I have to do in order to move forward in life. I know this is going to make some people hate me, It has in the past and will continue to and that does bother me greatly but there’s nothing i can do about it. I’ve already talked to a few of you about this and you’ve been absolutely amazing to me and honestly given me the strength to be able to open up and talk about it publicly. I don’t want this to be something that changes what anyone thinks of me although i’m sure for some people it will. I’m still the same person I’ve always been and will continue to be. The main thing I want to do is be able to be open about my life with all my amazing friends I’ve made and to do that I need to share my story.
I grew up in a pretty large city a little outside of Toronto as the middle child of three, My older brother (now 23) myself (now 21) and my sister (now 17). Our parents were never really a huge part of our lives from the age we could each take care of ourselves we pretty much did. As they both have very high paying jobs I’ve since come to see that they are very much the money makes you a good parent type. Well i certainly did appreciate all the stuff that got me its defiantly not what I needed. I always knew i was different even at a young age and even then it bothered me even if i did not fully understand why. Even very young I was never the go play with other kids type, My days were spend alone with video games and later books.
All throughout my life I was always sent to private catholic schools because it made my parents look good being able to afford that for there kids, It was a status symbol not anything about a better education. When i was young this was fine with me, None of the other kids wanted to be friends with me and I was fine with that. I had the things i enjoyed doing and did not need anyone else. Of course as i got older and entered middle school this started to become a much bigger problem. We all know at that age kids can be really cruel and even more so in that type of environment. Because of the the way i acted people just wrongly assumed I was gay and made my life completely miserable for it. Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay but I’m not so I’d rather people at least people hate me for who I really am or better yet not hate me at all. This was the time when i wanted friends and a social life but of course no one wanted anything to do with me.
High school was of course the worst for me. I wanted nothing more then to just be a normal high school girl and get to have those experiences but of course that could not happen. No one wanted to be friends with me and of course no guy wanted to date me. This was the lowest time of my life between the emotional and physical torment going on at school and my own loneliness/self hatred. But it was also in this time that i started to accept who i was and through lots of internet reading know what i’d have to do in the future. Honestly looking back at it now I wish i would have pushed myself to not care what people thought or said and done more to move forward with my life at this point to make it better. Really getting through this point in my life was the hardest and I don’t know how i did it.
Me and my sister had always been close but with the age gap between us we never really bounded to much up until the point when I was 17 and she was 13. It was at this time the I told her the truth about myself and who I truly was. She accepted me as her sister right away without a second though even telling me that she already suspected this to be true. Ever since we’ve always been there for each other completely and without question. As hard as my life was at that point having someone who knew and accepted me the way she did made it so much better. One of the truly happiest moments of my life was the first time I went out looking how i should, we went and seen the midnight opening showing of Twilight New moon together and had such an amazing time. As simple as that may seem to a lot of people it was truly so happy and eye opening for me and really made me see that i can move forward with my life, be myself and know i had someone there to support me along the way.
The time after high school was not to much better for me, I withdrew into myself a lot more and spend the better part of 2 years distracting myself from life including about 6 months where i did nothing but play World of Warcraft for about 16 hours a day everyday. I know this was extremely unhealthy and looking back i really regret it but at the time it was just the way i dealt with life. It was during this time that i started getting very close with my aunt. Most of our family never got along with her since they always felt she was “below them” for never having a good job or lots of money, Not marrying when she was younger and starting a family later then they thought should be, Things that really mean nothing but that’s how they are. To me she’s always been a very open minded and honestly nice person. So of course after a while I opened up to her to which she accepted me completely and gave me her full support. she of course told her husband who was also supportive although only ever said anything to me once to let me know he had my back no mater what i needed to do. Unfortunately he died a few months after this leaving her to raise there now 3 year old son by herself but that’s a whole other story.
It was when I turned 20 in April of 2012 that I really realized I’ve wasted 20 years of my life not really getting to live it. By this point it was pretty clear what i had to do I just had to do it. First step was telling my parents and really i did not think it would be that big of deal since honestly I was sure they could tell there was something different about me by now, It was pretty obvious. So at the end of June 2012 that’s what i did and I could not have been more wrong. They totally freaked out, Not only did they not support me at all but also kicked me out of there house where i’d lived my whole life and wanted nothing to do with me. I had a week to be out of there and would be completely homeless.
Luckily for me my aunt as amazing as she is agree’d to let me move in with her and her son where I’ve lived since. Moving day was honestly one of the worst and one of the best days of my life, Best because i was getting out of there and doing it with my head high as myself feeling pretty good about that. Worst because of how i was being treated by my parents throwing every insult you could possibly think of at me. The main thing was i got out and on that day almost 11 months ago i started living as the person you know today. Unfortunately with my sister being at the time 16 our parents could still technically control her and would not let her have anything to do with me. Of course my sister being as smart as she is figured out a way around there now overly watchful eye to at least be able to text me when they were not around. That kept up until a little over 3 weeks ago when I took control of certain parts of the situation to at least allow us to see and talk to each other on our own terms. There is of course still no chance of my parents coming around and accepting me or even wanting anything to do with me, They’ve made that very clear. My aunt has since had some health problems but is (hopefully) recovering in the hospital well i’m taking care of her son (my cousin) full time for about the next 2 months.
Since that day (June 30th 2012) I’ve been living full time as the girl I truly am and have since become legally named Isabella Marie ******* (I never say my last name online for my own safety) and could not be happier about it. I still have a great deal of struggles a head of me and i know its not going to be an easy life but I have no other choice then to push forward and do everything i can to be true to myself. That’s pretty much my story, I’m sure I’ve left out the odd little detail here and there that I’ve either forgot or is to painful to relive but that’s the important parts of it.
Honestly telling my story and opening up really scares me because i don’t want to lose any of the amazing friends I’ve made in the last 11 months but I know from past experience there are people who wont like me because of this. I don’t want to be thought of differently because of something i had no control over, I didn’t chose to be born wrong nor would anyone want to be. All I’ve done is do everything i can to correct that and give myself at least a chance at a happy life. I know i wont get the perfect one that i want but at least maybe through being open about myself some people will like me for who i am.
I’m sure this is a surprise to many of you and honestly i am sorry for just dumping it all on you but I’m at a point where i need to share my story. Maybe putting it out there will do some good for someone else in a similar situation, That i would really like. At the very least sharing it will help me move forward and that’s what i need right now. I hope none of you will want to stop being friends with me or think any less or differently of me because of this but either way I need to be honest. If anyone honestly wants to talk about it with me you’re more then welcome to and i’ll be very open about it all as long as its coming from a place of caring, curiosity and understand, Not just being used to try to hurt me. To anyone who’s actually read all this thank you for taking the time to hear me out and trying to understand me. I know its a lot to take in and hard to understand but i appreciate the effort you’re putting in more then you’ll ever know.
A Happy Moment
Have you ever had one of those moments when certain things just become so clear. When despite all the bad things about your life you can so clearly see all the good things you have as well. For me it was on Saturday morning surrounded by the 3 people I’m closest to, I realized that despite all the bad that I’m in such a better position in life now that i was even a year ago. That i have people who love me and who I would do anything I could for. I guess what i’m trying to say its about feeling like you belong somewhere and that you have family and friends there to support you through the hard times. I’m sure this all does not full make sense to a lot of you and honestly i guess it does not to me yet either. Its made me see things in a different way and look at life in a bit more of a positive way. That’s not to say i don’t have problems or that there’s not still huge parts of my life i hate. What it does mean is that I’m really starting to see the good things that i do have and i can draw strength from those. I have family who does care about me as well as amazing online friends who i could not live without there for me no mater what. None of that stuff takes away the bad but it does make some of it easier to deal with. It still does not mean I can have the perfect life that i wish for because i know i never can. What it does is make living now a little bit easier. There are still lots of things for me to be sad about but I’m starting to see that there are at least a few things for me to be happy about as well.
Focusing on the Positive
A lot’s been going on in my life in the last few weeks, Mostly bad but some good as well. Mostly its just been very draining both physically and emotionally. This morning i woke up early as is normal recently feeling pretty good compared to how i have been lately. Got an annoying phone call dealt with first thing and it went how i wanted it to. Went out and got a few important things taken care of. Fixed a necklace that broke on me yesterday and most surprisingly my hair even turned out in a way that i liked it today. So in the spirit of keeping today positive I’m not going to write about the bad stuff here like i was going to but focus instead on some of the good of the last few weeks.
Starting with something kind of fun, I ended up being able to go to free comic book day a few weeks ago when i did not think i would be able to. I ended up not just getting the “pick 5″ that most people were getting but managed to be able to get all about 67 that they were offering. I’d like to say this was due to my great powers of persuasion but lets be honest here being the only girl in a comic book store full of nerdy guys might have helped a little bit. Also in the way of fun stuff I’ve just started Paper Mario Sticker Star on the 3DS yesterday and i’m really loving it so far. Yes they’ve removed some of the rpg elements from the previous ones but its still really fun. Brings back memories of how much i enjoyed the original N64 Paper Mario and is making me think about replaying that when i get the time.
On the topic of really positive stuff a week ago I managed to get the ridiculously high amount of money that my aunt needs for her medical care, Well this means she will be away for about 2 months and that is sad of course it also means that she’s getting the treatment that she needs and that has a much higher chance at coming out of this then if she would have just stayed in the hospital. This means I’ll be taking care of my 3 year old cousin (her son) well she’s away that of course I’m more then happy to do.
For the last but certainly not least good thing that happened to me lately, Last week after about 10 and a half months i got to see my sister (see picture below) who I’ve missed terribly. Was an amazing time since she had no idea i was coming and was totally surprised. We only had a few hours together but had an amazing time, Did some shopping and just hung out and talked. Seeing her again after so long really helped get me some perspective on things and honestly made life a lot easier. We will now see and talk to each other all the time of course and for that i could not be happier about since we’ve always been really close and there for each other. We’ve already been talking like none stop since and she’s going to come down on Saturday so we can spend the day together and I cant wait.
There is of course lots of bad stuff that has happened lately as well and I will right about that in the coming days but for today i wanted to keeps this positive. If this post seems a little choppy or hard to understand that would be because it is, If anything really does not make sense to you please feel free to ask me as this one i really just wrote by the feel of it.
My Sister (left) and Myself (right) taken May 8th
Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer
Synopsis:Now that Bella has made her decision, a startling chain of unprecedented events is about to unfold with potentially devastating and unfathomable consequences. Just when the frayed strands of Bella’s life – first discovered in Twilight, then scattered and torn in New Moon and Eclipse- seem ready to heal and knit together, could they be destroyed…forever?
My Review: I’m sure by now most of you know exactly what i’m going to say but i’ll say it anyway, I love this book. Obviously if you’ve not read the 3 previous books in the series then you really should finish them first. This is sadly the last book in the Twilight saga and as sad as I am that its all over it really is a great ending to it. My only real complaint about Breaking dawn is that i found it felt like to much was put into one book. Maybe it needed to be flushed out just a little more and made into 2 separate books. Putting that small complaint aside this is an absolutely amazing story that will have you wanting to read it to the very end. Some of the biggest moments in the saga take place in this one and they are all done with amazing detail. Bella is as likable as always and Edward is still the vampire everyone wants to be with. Really there’s tons i could say about this but honestly if you loved the first 3 you need to read this one and finish the saga. Its the longest and most event filled book in the saga that will not disappoint any true Twilight fans.
Let me know in the comments below what you thought of Breaking Dawn. Did you like it? why or why not? What are you feelings about the book compared to the movie?
Birthday’s and why I don’t like mine.
As some of you may know tomorrow (April 16th) is my birthday. Maybe I’m weird (We all know I am by now) but I’ve never really liked my birthday, Even when i was younger it was just never a big deal to me nor was it to anyone else. I’ve never had a birthday party and only ever had a birthday cake when i was really really young. Sure I always got the odd gift but wrapped presents waiting for you to open without the celebration just does not inspire birthday cheer. Don’t get me wrong the last few years I’ve had certain people try to make it a special but I’ve just never understood why its such a big deal.
To me its always been more a time to reflect back on the past year and my life in general to look at everything that’s happened and what I’ve done wrong. Last year I used it to figure out a lot of things and made plans for going forward. Although i stuck to that plan it did not go as i would have liked it to but over all I’m still better off now then I was then. Even so I still look back and wonder what I could have done differently or better and what would have been the outcome then. Maybe nothing would have changed or maybe everything would have I guess that’s just something I’ll never really know.
This year I’ve been thinking a lot more about my future, Not just the next year but even farther then that. Looking at what I want out of life and what i can reasonably expect to get. I know most people would say that you can get anything you want in life, but Lets be honest that’s not always true it all depends on what and who your talking about. I came to the realization years ago there are certain things that no mater how much i try cant/wont happen, Sure its hard but I’ve always been enough of a realistic thinking person to understand that. Does that stuff bother me greatly? Yes of course it does. Do i wish things were different? Everyday but i have to try to focus on what i can do. The problem is if what you want you probably wont/cant have you then have to figure out what should you aim for in life.
That’s exactly what I now have to do, Try to stop looking at the bad and things i cant have and figure out what i can then work towards them. The problem there is that Besides a few short term goals I don’t know what to strive for. All my life I’ve never been able to look ahead and see a future for me or have an idea what my life will be like. There’s always been things I’ve wanted to happen and i’m working on part of that still but its a long process but beyond that I have no idea. I want to figure out life goals that i can actually achieve and go for them and them to be things that i want not just picking at random stuff.
The last couple weeks have been filled with sleepless nights and worrying days and honestly has been harder this year then most but it happens to a certain extent to me every year. I don’t really have a way to conclude this post because honestly I don’t yet know of a conclusion to these thoughts and problems. Mostly I’m using this blog post as a way to talk through and straighten my thoughts and hope for people’s thoughts and opinions. This is something i still need to work on, I need to get past what cant be and figure out what can in order to have goals to work towards.
Fake Smiles and My Need of People
The last week or so has been a rough one for me not because anything different’s happened but just because I’ve had a harder time keeping things bottled up and pushed away then I normally do. I know most people would say that bottling thing up is a bad idea and i agree it really is but that’s the only way I’ve gotten through a lot of stuff over the years. Its something I’ve become very good at but its also something i would rather not have the need to do. The real problem is that eventually it all comes back to the surface and becomes way to much for you to easily deal with.
Obviously I’m not going to just start writing about everything that bothers me that would be extremely hard for me to do and I’m sure most people really would not care to hear it all. What I have started to realize though is as much as I would like to be the person who can handle it all herself I really cant, I’m just not that strong of person. I’ve spent all my life building up walls and pushing things down so that it becomes manageable to deal with and just dulling myself to the pain. The problem is just doing that does not make the problems go away nor does it help you to solve them, Its just a really bad way of not dealing with things.
As much as I would love to be the girl who always has a (fake) smile on her face and be able to act happy all the time I cant do that. Sometimes I need to break down cry and admit that no everything’s not fine and maybe doing that is not a bad thing. I know i have a lot of things in my past/present/future that i need to deal with but i think what i need most of all is people. People who are going to be there for me no mater what. People who truly care about what happens to me. People who honestly want to be part of my life. People who i can trust enough to let myself be vulnerable with because i know they would not just hurt me in the end.
I’m almost 21 years old and honestly I feel like I’ve only really lived for a small portion of that time. I never really got the chance to form bonds with people but now i want/need to start. I want people who will be there for me when i’m upset and help me through it, but who will also be there to share the good times with. I want to be able to do the same for them as well. I know this is not easy to find and its not something i can have with everyone but its what i need at this point in my life.
I’ve always approached people with fear, worry and distrust because for the most part I’ve only ever gotten bad things back. Taking more of an active role online over the last about 9 months have made me start to see that maybe its not always like that, Maybe there are some good people out there. That does not mean I can just start trusting everyone right away or that I can just get over the serious trust issues I have. What it does mean is that i need to try, I need to put myself out there more and let myself open up even a little in order to see who those people are that can be let in.
When it comes down to it I’m me no mater what people think of me it does not really make a difference. What I can do is be a more true me and if people don’t like that then I don’t need those people. The people that I do need are the people who understand that and still like me despite my many many flaws. I know all this is a lot easier said then done and I know its hard but I’m at the point where i need to try. I need to admit to myself that I cant do everything alone and i cant fake happy all the time. I need good friends and that’s a fairly new thing for me really but its what I need now more then ever.
From this day forward you’re going to see a new and more real Bella one that maybe you wont always like or maybe you’ll like even more but at least its going to be real and its going to be me. I know I have many flaws and it does not mean I have to let everyone see all of them but I have to be willing to at least let some show through so I can make friends with people who honestly want to be around me not just around the fake happy walls I’ve worked so hard to put up.
Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer
Synopsis: As Seattle is ravaged by a string of mysterious killings and a malicious vampire continues her quest for revenge, Bella once again finds herself surrounded by danger. In the midst of it all, she is forced to choose between her love for Edward and her friendship with Jacob – knowing that her decision has the potential to ignite the ageless struggle between vampire and werewolf. With her graduation quickly approaching, Bella has one more decision to make: life or death. But which is which?
My Review: Eclipse is much like the two previous books the series and that’s a very good thing if you enjoy them as much as i do. What this book does even better then the others is show the real internal struggle Bella goes through when torn between Edward and Jacob. If you’ve seen the movie and I’m sure many of you have by now you’ll know how this is played out on screen but getting to really read the thoughts and emotions that Bella struggles with adds so much more depth then you would think possible. What the book does amazingly well is making you see how both Edward and Jacob are good options for Bella, It wont be as much of a clear line in your mind of who she should be with. If your more a fan of the suspense and action that the books do have some of you’ll be happy to know that this one does expand on what was in previous books with more of a integral plot central to this book that does have connections to the past. In all honesty if you’ve read this far in the series you know by now if you like Twilight or not, If you do then this is just even more of what you love if not you know this books just not for you. As someone who’s literally read this book at least a dozen times its the perfect bridge between everything that happened in the previous two books and the amazing conclusions to the series that comes in breaking dawn.
Let me know in the comments below what you thought of Eclipse. Did you like it? why or why not? What are you feelings about the book compared to the movie?
New Moon by Stephenie Meyer
Synopsis: For Bella Swan, there is one thing more important than life itself: Edward Cullen. But being in love with a vampire is even more dangerous than Bella ever could have imagined. Edward has already rescued Bella from the clutches of one evil vampire, but now, as their daring relationship threatens all that is near and dear to them, they realize their troubles may be just beginning….
My Review: I’m sure by now most of you reading this know my love for Twilight and probably know exactly what i’m going to say about New Moon and honestly you’re probably right, I loved this book . As with the first book I first read it shortly after it was released and have loved it ever since. I’ve read this book now almost as many times as i have the original Twilight and i still have such an emotional attachment to the story and characters. A lot of things the Bella goes though and feels in this book I can really relate to but in different ways but the emotions are still the same. New Moon as with Twilight does a fantastic job at telling a very personal story well still being able to create a world around itself that is believable and real feeling. The story has a great balance of the normal everyday stuff in Bella’s life to the more exciting adventure that she’s living by just being around both Edward and Jacob. I will admit I’m defiantly team Edward but i still love the character of Jacob and how he’s told in the book is given more depth them people would think from just watching the movie. If you’re someone who did not like Twilight then honestly you’ll feel pretty much the same about New Moon but if you’re like me and fell in love with Twilight this is just more of the amazing story that you just cant miss.
Let me know in the comments below what you thought of New Moon. Did you like it? why or why not? What are you feelings about the book compared to the movie?
Bella the bad blogger
Its been way to long since I’ve updated this blog even after saying that i would be blogging more. For the last few months I’ve just not been in the mood to write. I could any maybe should try to set a goal of how often i want to write on here and keep to it but I’m not going to do that instead i’m going to try my best to do a number of things to be more active online since i have so many amazing online friends.
Things i want to do online:
- Write more on my blog.
- Use Facebook more and not just for my tweets being sent there automatically.
- Post more pictures.
- Write more personal blog posts as opposed to review style ones.
I really do enjoy writing this blog as its a great way for me to express and even figure out my opinions on things. Expect to see a lot more posts coming on this blog, I’m sure not all will interest everyone but i really want to use this place as both a place to give interesting content to anyone who reads it but also as a place i can write about stuff in order to better understand me and my opinions.
